The maid of honor just puked.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
