YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
