I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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