I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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