they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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