I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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