I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
