I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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