I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
how drunk are you?
Several
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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