I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dear god my vagina.
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