that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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