I'm lost and stupid without you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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