This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
smell my finger.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
