This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
