I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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