Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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