Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have fence marks all over my body
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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