So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
