Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
