Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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