I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
