Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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