soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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