i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
