I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
