Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
