It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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