Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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