So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
