I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
