I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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