I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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