He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
