Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
