took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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