His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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