Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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