your parents love me but you hate me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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