he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
