Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
