She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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