I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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