I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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