just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
