News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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