her body is proportioned like a family guy character
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
