your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
