Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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