Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
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I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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