About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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