i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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