Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
