i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
