A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
