I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
